TALK TO TEENS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
“Listen to your kids, guide them, show them love, understanding and patience. Let them know that you will always be there for them no matter what.” - Clara Tempongko
It has been seven years since Clara Tempongko lost her daughter to domestic violence. She finds closure knowing that her daughter’s killer is in jail. Now she spends her time working two jobs, taking care of her grandkids and being a tireless advocate for victim’s rights and preventing domestic violence.
The month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Claire Tempongko’s tragedy has become the catalyst for San Francisco’s heightened awareness of domestic violence. According to the San Francisco Police Department, there are about 4,500 reports of domestic violence per year in San Francisco, 4,305 in 2006 and 4,445 in 2005. Approximately 25% of these reports result in arrests. An unknown number of domestic violence incidents go unreported and it is believed that there are more incidents that go unreported than incidents that are reported.
While these numbers are staggering, they do not reveal the little-known secret that there are now widespread incidents of teen dating violence as teenagers engage in intimate and sexual relations earlier. Some people are calling the problem an “epidemic”, yet, only 4% of teens report abuse to an adult.
Most teens are afraid and ashamed to tell adults for fear of being judged or punished. Known incidents of physical abuse among friends are talked about in whispers on the cell phone away from prying adult eyes. Once in a while a teen blurts, “She is so stupid”, and then says in a hurry “I’ll call you back”, when an adult approaches.
The San Francisco Unified School District published in the year 2003 the “Middle School Youth Risk Behavior Survey; Percentage of Middle School Students Who Had Engaged in Sexual Intercourse.” The findings are mind boggling: 4.9% of Grade 6 students had engaged in sexual intercourse while 9% of Grade 7 students and 11% of Grade 8 students had engaged in sexual intercourse -- 26% of the students have had sexual intercourse by the time they are 14 years old and 2.8% of the students in middle school had their first sexual intercourse before they are 11 years old.
When asked why this is happening, Dr. Dee O’Brien, Psychology Professor at U.C. Santa Cruz explains “Girls and boys are socialized early to be sexual. Girls are developing physically earlier and we do not know what to do with it. They look grown but inside they are just children.”
Dr. O’Brien developed a focus group of 150 girls from 11-14 years old and found “Girls want to be prettier and more popular. They want the boys’ approval and without a boy she is less than... There is an increase status to be in a relationship. There is a pressure for kids to grow up fast and they are not emotionally or mentally ready for it. Let us not forget about the boys perpetrating the violence...”
The Harvard School of Public Health conducted the first large scale study of the extent of physical and sexual violence by dating partners against teenage girls. At least one in five girls will experience some form of dating violence. Current or former partners abused 32% of pregnant teens. Twenty six percent of new mothers between 13 and 17 years old experienced intimate partner violence in the 3 months after the birth of their child.
Abuse in relationships exists among all classes, races and cultural groups, although women between ages 16-24 experience the highest rate of victimization.
Roxanne Hoegger Alejandre, a staff attorney representing domestic violence victims at the Bay Area Legal Aid in the San Francisco Regional Office says “It is time to take a hard look at romantic relationships between young people and the violence that often occurs in these relationships.”
Blesilda Ocampo, a victim of domestic violence at 19 years old shares her own experiences with teens and encourages them to believe in themselves, “There is no shame in being a victim,” she tells them. “Just like you, I met my first boyfriend full of promises and hope. I ran away from home and an abusive family. I thought I found the answer to my longing for love and acceptance. It felt like a wonderful dream at first. Then the dream turned into a nightmare. He was a substance abuser. He physically beat me several times during our 2-year relationship. I lived with him until my daughter was about a year old. I finally left him at the urging of a concerned co-worker who saw the cuts and bruises on my neck when he tried to choke me the night before.
I ended up in a shelter for battered women which changed my life. The intervention of my co-worker probably saved my life and my baby.”
In 2005, 155 murders were the result of intimate partner violence in California. In 2005, husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends killed 125 women in California and wives, ex-wives or girlfriends killed 27 men. (California Department of Justice, Criminal Justice Statistics Center).
These numbers have been increasing in recent years. What is tragic about these deaths is that much of them could have been prevented.
Ocampo advocates education as the key to prevention. “Get the kids before they become victims and batterers. Knowing the difficulty of breaking away from abusive relationships, it is not enough to tell victims violence is not about love, it is about power and control -- especially for young people.”
www.loveisnotabuse.com
A model curriculum developed by Liz Claiborne Inc. and the Education Development Center, “Love Is Not Abuse” educates kids about preventing dating violence and how to seek help. So far, the curriculum has been distributed to over 1,000 schools all over the country. In San Francisco, Love Is Not Abuse has been introduced in the 9th grade at the Downtown High School, Mission High School and the Willie L. Brown Junior Academy College Preparatory School.
“Education sets the foundation for identifying and stopping teen dating abuse… In order to break the cycle of teen dating abuse, we must continue to bring this issue to the forefront.” says Jane Randel, Vice President, Corporate Communications, Liz Claiborne Inc. Liz Claiborne Inc. is promoting September 25 as “It’s Time to Talk Day”, for teenagers.
There is no mandatory curriculum in California schools that would educate kids about forming healthy relationships -- there is a burning need. There should be a coordinated and comprehensive effort to educate boys and girls about healthy relationships. “And to be effective, we must involve all sectors of society – government, civil society, the private sector, media and teens,” says Randel.
Roxanne Hoegger Alejandre agrees that a mandatory curriculum is an important step towards eliminating teen dating violence. The curriculum maybe a component of the Sex Education program now mandated in schools or be a component of a Psychology or Health curriculum. According to empirical studies, the curriculum should start at Grade 6.
There is also a need for intervention and support groups for domestic violence survivors and families of victims, similar to the 12-step groups, such as Alcoholic Anonymous.
The California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, a coalition of 150 California domestic violence shelters, organizations and advocates working to end domestic violence at local, state and national levels held their Annual Meeting – Embracing Diversity Celebrating Community from September 9 -11 in Sacramento. The 3-day strategy meeting rallied 300 women and men to become an even stronger force in eradicating domestic violence through legislation, policy development and delivery of services, etc.
Rocio Watson, an advocate, summed up everyone’s sentiment “If we want to have a good society, we have to invest in our youth. They are our future generation.”
So “Listen to your kids, guide them, show them love, understanding and patience. Let them know that you will always be there for them no matter what.” Take the time to have a dialogue with them to let them know you are not judgmental. Gain their trust. Talk to your kids about domestic violence and become part of the solution.
It has been seven years since Clara Tempongko lost her daughter to domestic violence. She finds closure knowing that her daughter’s killer is in jail. Now she spends her time working two jobs, taking care of her grandkids and being a tireless advocate for victim’s rights and preventing domestic violence.
The month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Claire Tempongko’s tragedy has become the catalyst for San Francisco’s heightened awareness of domestic violence. According to the San Francisco Police Department, there are about 4,500 reports of domestic violence per year in San Francisco, 4,305 in 2006 and 4,445 in 2005. Approximately 25% of these reports result in arrests. An unknown number of domestic violence incidents go unreported and it is believed that there are more incidents that go unreported than incidents that are reported.
While these numbers are staggering, they do not reveal the little-known secret that there are now widespread incidents of teen dating violence as teenagers engage in intimate and sexual relations earlier. Some people are calling the problem an “epidemic”, yet, only 4% of teens report abuse to an adult.
Most teens are afraid and ashamed to tell adults for fear of being judged or punished. Known incidents of physical abuse among friends are talked about in whispers on the cell phone away from prying adult eyes. Once in a while a teen blurts, “She is so stupid”, and then says in a hurry “I’ll call you back”, when an adult approaches.
The San Francisco Unified School District published in the year 2003 the “Middle School Youth Risk Behavior Survey; Percentage of Middle School Students Who Had Engaged in Sexual Intercourse.” The findings are mind boggling: 4.9% of Grade 6 students had engaged in sexual intercourse while 9% of Grade 7 students and 11% of Grade 8 students had engaged in sexual intercourse -- 26% of the students have had sexual intercourse by the time they are 14 years old and 2.8% of the students in middle school had their first sexual intercourse before they are 11 years old.
When asked why this is happening, Dr. Dee O’Brien, Psychology Professor at U.C. Santa Cruz explains “Girls and boys are socialized early to be sexual. Girls are developing physically earlier and we do not know what to do with it. They look grown but inside they are just children.”
Dr. O’Brien developed a focus group of 150 girls from 11-14 years old and found “Girls want to be prettier and more popular. They want the boys’ approval and without a boy she is less than... There is an increase status to be in a relationship. There is a pressure for kids to grow up fast and they are not emotionally or mentally ready for it. Let us not forget about the boys perpetrating the violence...”
The Harvard School of Public Health conducted the first large scale study of the extent of physical and sexual violence by dating partners against teenage girls. At least one in five girls will experience some form of dating violence. Current or former partners abused 32% of pregnant teens. Twenty six percent of new mothers between 13 and 17 years old experienced intimate partner violence in the 3 months after the birth of their child.
Abuse in relationships exists among all classes, races and cultural groups, although women between ages 16-24 experience the highest rate of victimization.
Roxanne Hoegger Alejandre, a staff attorney representing domestic violence victims at the Bay Area Legal Aid in the San Francisco Regional Office says “It is time to take a hard look at romantic relationships between young people and the violence that often occurs in these relationships.”
Blesilda Ocampo
Voted Woman Warrior by the Filipino Women's Network
Actor, Vagina Monologue
Blesilda Ocampo, a victim of domestic violence at 19 years old shares her own experiences with teens and encourages them to believe in themselves, “There is no shame in being a victim,” she tells them. “Just like you, I met my first boyfriend full of promises and hope. I ran away from home and an abusive family. I thought I found the answer to my longing for love and acceptance. It felt like a wonderful dream at first. Then the dream turned into a nightmare. He was a substance abuser. He physically beat me several times during our 2-year relationship. I lived with him until my daughter was about a year old. I finally left him at the urging of a concerned co-worker who saw the cuts and bruises on my neck when he tried to choke me the night before.
I ended up in a shelter for battered women which changed my life. The intervention of my co-worker probably saved my life and my baby.”
In 2005, 155 murders were the result of intimate partner violence in California. In 2005, husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends killed 125 women in California and wives, ex-wives or girlfriends killed 27 men. (California Department of Justice, Criminal Justice Statistics Center).
These numbers have been increasing in recent years. What is tragic about these deaths is that much of them could have been prevented.
Ocampo advocates education as the key to prevention. “Get the kids before they become victims and batterers. Knowing the difficulty of breaking away from abusive relationships, it is not enough to tell victims violence is not about love, it is about power and control -- especially for young people.”
www.loveisnotabuse.com
A model curriculum developed by Liz Claiborne Inc. and the Education Development Center, “Love Is Not Abuse” educates kids about preventing dating violence and how to seek help. So far, the curriculum has been distributed to over 1,000 schools all over the country. In San Francisco, Love Is Not Abuse has been introduced in the 9th grade at the Downtown High School, Mission High School and the Willie L. Brown Junior Academy College Preparatory School.
“Education sets the foundation for identifying and stopping teen dating abuse… In order to break the cycle of teen dating abuse, we must continue to bring this issue to the forefront.” says Jane Randel, Vice President, Corporate Communications, Liz Claiborne Inc. Liz Claiborne Inc. is promoting September 25 as “It’s Time to Talk Day”, for teenagers.
There is no mandatory curriculum in California schools that would educate kids about forming healthy relationships -- there is a burning need. There should be a coordinated and comprehensive effort to educate boys and girls about healthy relationships. “And to be effective, we must involve all sectors of society – government, civil society, the private sector, media and teens,” says Randel.
Roxanne Hoegger Alejandre agrees that a mandatory curriculum is an important step towards eliminating teen dating violence. The curriculum maybe a component of the Sex Education program now mandated in schools or be a component of a Psychology or Health curriculum. According to empirical studies, the curriculum should start at Grade 6.
There is also a need for intervention and support groups for domestic violence survivors and families of victims, similar to the 12-step groups, such as Alcoholic Anonymous.
The California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, a coalition of 150 California domestic violence shelters, organizations and advocates working to end domestic violence at local, state and national levels held their Annual Meeting – Embracing Diversity Celebrating Community from September 9 -11 in Sacramento. The 3-day strategy meeting rallied 300 women and men to become an even stronger force in eradicating domestic violence through legislation, policy development and delivery of services, etc.
Rocio Watson, an advocate, summed up everyone’s sentiment “If we want to have a good society, we have to invest in our youth. They are our future generation.”
So “Listen to your kids, guide them, show them love, understanding and patience. Let them know that you will always be there for them no matter what.” Take the time to have a dialogue with them to let them know you are not judgmental. Gain their trust. Talk to your kids about domestic violence and become part of the solution.
posted by myrna | 12:58 PM
1 Comments:
One of the most informative articles I've ever read! Teens must be aware of domestic violence. That domestic violence does exist and not only apply to adults who are dealing in a very abusive relationship. Women and teens alike, in general, are so gullible and submissive to men when it comes to having any kind of relationship even to the point that they are really abused. Having said that, because I know for a fact, that men are gifted or possessed with the so-called sweet talks or shall we say, lies. A woman, for instance, who finally realized that they need to get out of that abusive relationship, is only short-lived. Why? Because men will do everything they can just to win them back; of course, they would promise to get the stars, the moon, etc. and when they succeed, they would always go back to their true colors, and yes, back to reality.
My advice to the women, teens out there, never prolong a relationship if you already sensed that you are in. It can easily be detected if you're smart. Whether it's emotional, verbal and worst of all, physical, by all means get out of that relationship and get some help as soon as possible.
To all parents, be always vigilant and supportive to your children/ teens. Your guidance and prayer is their best armor in their lives.
To the author, keep up the good work and more power to you!
Thank you.
September 19, 7:46 PM
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